Definition
1 : of or relating to another country : foreign
2 a : strikingly out of the ordinary : bizarre
b : exceeding proper or reasonable limits or standards
3 : remote from civilization
In olden times, English speakers used the phrase "outlandish man" to refer to a foreigner—or, one who came from an outland, which originally meant "a foreign land." From here, outlandish broadened in usage from a word meaning "from another land" to one describing something unfamiliar or strange. Dress was a common early target for the adjective; English novelist Henry Fielding, in Tom Jones (1749), writes of a woman who was "drest in one of your outlandish Garments." Nowadays, the word can be applied to anything that strikes us as out of the ordinary, from bizarre conspiracy theories to exaggerated boasting.
Kurzon Episilon 3.8/A was hot, muggy and perpetually damp. the ground was damp, the walls were damp and the very air itself was damp. When you breathed in it felt like you were drying to inhale warm, slightly sweaty mist that tasted ever so gently of bananas and fish.
All in all, it was definitely not the best way to spend your summer break. Sadly, her hosts spaceship had taken an unfortunate dent or two from an unexpected collision in an asteroid field on the way in, and so they were stuck here until they could find the spare parts they needed. There were a lot of spare spaceship parts on KE3.8.A but sadly most of them were rusted through due to the weather. Indeed, the trick to KE3.8A was finding something that wasn't rusted through.
The original inhabitants of the planet were some sort of large sentient frog creature. They thrived in the dampness and generally kept themselves to themselves, out of the small towns and settled deep within the numerous swamps that made up most of the planet's surface. When they came to town, to trade or barter, they worse large, rubber like suits which reminded me of nothing so much as scuba diving outfits - complete with large flippers.
Normally, other space faring creatures would bypass a planet as inconvenient and inhospitable as KE3.8A - an inhospitable environment, minimally useful natural resources and the locals were hardly warm and friendly. No, in usual circumstances KE3.8A would have remained a small backwater planet that hardly anyone would have heard of.
However, KE3.8A was half way between two major merchant planets. It was in the perfect position as a way station and in an excellent position to stop, refuel and make any minor repairs before continuing on your journey.
Therefore, small settlements had sprung up. minor terraforming had taken place (to prevent the swamp from simply turning the buildings to mulch and swallowing them whole) and modest businesses had sprung up intent on fleecing any travelers stopping by for all they had. After all, where else would they get it? KE3.8A was a sellers market and dear God did the tradesman get their pound of flesh as recompense for being stuck on this hellishly muggy planet.
I sighed. I was currently sitting in one of the town's cafes. At least, that was the only word I could think of to call it. It was a small shack that served drinks and snacks - of the non alcoholic kind. It definitely looked more like a run down bar in some classic western than any kind of cafe i knew. However, I winced as I looked at the menu, the prices certainly matched several high end cafes i knew on earth. Very high end. At times like this I really missed chain stores.Or at least vending machines.
The sooner Japan set out to space and conquered the universe, the better in my opinion. Even though I, myself, was not Japanese, I could not fault their ingenuity, forward thinking or organisation. I was quite happy with the idea of them as my overlords.
But for now, overpriced, shit, fake iced coffee it was. I could only pray it didn't actually contain some kind of shit.
OK, thinking like that is definitely going to invoke my gag reflex.Time to change the subject brain.
My phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Sasarina, are you still in town?"
"If you could call one street of dilapidated, soggy buildings a town, then yeah, that's were i am."
"Out for your coffee fix?"
"...at least it's the right colour. I think."
"Oh dear." The voice on the other end sounded amused. "Well, hang in there."
"Vaaaaaax," I wailed down the phone at the ship's engineer. "For the love of space, when are we leaving?"
"Soon." She sounded apologetic. "I've nearly fixed all that needed fixing - I finally got the last part yesterday. It's just..."
"Just??"
"Have you seen the boss?"
"Nope, he's not with you?"
"No, I haven't seen him since last night."
I felt my stomach sink. "You don't think..."
"Yup. I think he's gone into the swamp again." To give her credit, she sounded as pissed as i felt. However, she wasn't the one who had to go into a gross, sweaty, damp, stinky swamp to get the boss.
To explain exactly why my boss had gone into a gross, sweaty, damp, stinky swamp that every single other non native person on this disgusting planet avoided was shockingly simple. My boss was a plant based creature, therefore he loved planets where nature vastly outnumbered any urban developments. If we stopped at any planet like this, he'd be off like a supersonic moth drawn to a hyperflame. He literally couldn't keep away. To him, KE3.8A was like some sort of all natural spa. He loved it here. In fact, I half suspected him of sabotaging the repairs just so he could stay here longer.
"Sasarina.."
"I really, really don't want to do this." I wailed.
"But you know what he's like, if one of us doesn't go get him, we coudl be stuck here for months. Months Sasarina." I felt her shudder over the phone. "At this rate the damp is going to get into the electrics and then we'll be in a whole world of trouble."
I bit my lip.
"If you do go and get him." Vax wheedled. "And you get him back here in around two hours, we should be ready to take off."
"Really?!"
"Yup. So go get him, bind him, gag him, throw him in the hold and we'll take off, away from this hideous planet straight away."
"Promise?"
"I'll even throw in the bag o coffee I've kept hidden in my quarters if you set off now."
"Cow! You didn't think to share with your hard working co-worker sooner!"
"I was saving it for a special brib...occasion. So, you going to go get him?"
I stood up. "I'll go get him now."
****
There was a road that lead to the nearest swamp. Kind of. Sort of. I mean, the 'road' was a strip of ground that was a bit more beaten down than the ground surrounding it and no large trees or bushes covered it so I guess you could call it a road. If you were desperate.
I very, very, very carefully perched on my hover bike. I did not want to risk falling off and smacking into the ground. Mostly because I was pretty sure it would be less of a smack and more of a squelch - and i had no idea how far i would sink into the mud below.
The further i went the higher the swamp trees lurched above, bent, twisted and covered in furry green moss that draped over their warped branches like green beards. The air was so saturated with swamp water that trying to see anything in the distance was like trying to see something underwater - and hazy and wavy.
I glanced down at my phone. Thank God me and Vax had gotten the boss drunk that night and implanted a tracking device under his skin when he'd fallen unconscious. It was absolutely vital in missions like these.
Of course, if he'd been a normal boss, he could have just phoned and told us where he was.
Vax found his phone in the freezer compartment of the staff kitchen yesterday afternoon.
I glanced down at the flashing red dot. He was close. In fact, if I rolled the bike around that fallen tree that was slowly being drowned by swamp mud he should be right....
Ah. There he was. He had stretched his vines to the fullest extend and was currently wrapped around and around a young looking tree. Her branches were smooth and only moderately twisted and she'd wrapped her green moss around her quite fetchingly, like a feather boa. Flowers had even bloomed on some of her utmost branches. My boss had an extremely blissful look on his face - that shattered as soon as his eyes met mine and he blushed all the shades of a Vongolina sunset.
"Ah. Sasarina...." He said weakly. "Um, this is."
I turned the bike around. "I'm going back to the ship." I said flatly, whilst desperately applying liberal amounts of mind bleach to my memory in the hopes of scouring this scene from my brain. I did not hold out much hope.
Over my shoulder, I added. "We're setting off the second I get back so if you don't want me to strand your arse on this planet for good with your lady friend here, then you'd better get a move on."
I had to spend the entire drive back, listening to him run after me and give me feeble excuses about why he'd stranded the whole crew on this god forsaken planet for weeks just so he could get his game on.
Dear Lord, I needed that coffee.
No comments:
Post a Comment