Definition
1 informal : to travel, roam, or move about for pleasure
2 dated, informal : to go about usually ostentatiously or indiscreetly with members of the opposite sex
Back in the 14th century, gallant, a noun borrowed from the French galant, denoted a young man of fashion. By the middle of the next century, it was being used more specifically to refer to such a man who was attentive to, and who had a fondness for the company of, women. In the late 1600s, this "ladies' man" sense gave rise to the verb gallant to describe the process a paramour used to win a lady's heart, and "to gallant" became synonymous with "to court." Etymologists think that the spelling of the verb gallant was altered to create gallivant, which originally meant "to act as a gallant" or "to go about usually ostentatiously or indiscreetly with members of the opposite sex." Nowadays, however, gallivant is more likely to describe wandering than romancing.
The lake water plashed merrily against the side of the speed boat as it dashed across the surface of the water, its intention to deliver me to the gloomy looking mansion at the far side.
As we pulled into the small harbour, I eyed the house doubtfully. Despite it being liberally strewn with various streamers, garlands of flowers and delicate twinkling lights, it still couldn't quite hide the fact that it looked like it belonged as a backdrop in some arty horror movie - or shown on a programme that listed 'world's' most haunted houses' or something.
It gave me the creeps just looking at it.
I took a calming breath in and out. Just think of the money.
A well (over) dressed young man with curly blond hair came bounding down the steps, waving enthusiastically. This then, must be the person who hired me.
"Miss Kate." He bounced up and grabbed both of my hands in his whilst looking soulfully into my eyes. Such a perfect look of complete devotion - he must have spent hours practicing it whilst standing in front of the mirror.
"Miss Kate." He said again, his voice like sweet honey.
Ug. I could feel my skin starting to break out in hives. How I despised charming men. Especially the touchy feely, borderline sexual harassment one. As politely as I could I yanked my hands out of his grasp.
"That would be me." I smiled through gritted teeth. "Are you Arthur?"
"Me? Oh no, I don't own such a shabby cursed house. My name is William. I was the one who suggested Old Art give you a call. Some of the ladies I am acquainted with recommended you highly."
I'll just best they did. I thought to myself. The young ladies of quality seemed to have nothing to do with their time and not a sensible thought in their head - and so loved to spend their idle time venomously gossiping about this and that. A particular recurring favourite was, of course, the fallen freaky witch woman.
I sighed. "I would like to see Sir Arthur then and discuss matters with him."
"Of course." He bowed dramatically, "Right this way."
As I followed him, I once again pondered why on earth some women found this sort of narcissistic, over embellish behaviour so alluring. I caught him checking his own reflection in the lake's water at least six times on the way to the house - and it was a short walk!
The mind boggled.
Sir Arthur stood on the porch, out of the sun. A common habit I suspected as his pale pasty skin looked like sunlight hadn't touched it in years. That, combined with the heavy dark circles under his eyes made me come to the conclusion he was definitely a night owl. His clothes, though of good quality, were somewhat behind the latest fashion trends (by a good ten years i suspected) and looked like they'd just been dragged on. His hair was long and unkempt and looked like it hadn't seen a brush that morning, or any other morning for the past week. At least it, and the rest of him, was clean.
"Arthur" William called. "Look what the cat dragged in!"
I froze my face muscles. Apparently 'William' was a little annoyed that I wasn't acting like some sort of drunk kitten in response to his charms. Petty much.
A look of resignation passed over Arthur's face.
"Miss Kate, I presume." He mumbled as he held out his hand, not even looking me in the eyes.
"Shall we show her around then, old chap?" William said.
I froze. Oh dear god no.
I must have tightened my grip as Arthur looked up and it almost seemed that a flicker of amusement flashed across his face.
"No, that's fine William. If i could ask you to oversee the caterers? Some of the waitresses don't quite know what they're doing."
"Really?" He brightened. "No problem, I always love to assist a damsel in distress."
"I'll just bet you do." I muttered under my breath.
Apparently not enough under my breath, again there was that flicker of amusement on Arthur's face.
Ug.
As William dashed off, Arthur turned to look at me.
"An unusual reaction to William." He said eventually, turning to walk into the house. "Most women try to superglue themselves to his side ten minutes after meeting him."
I curled my lip as I followed him in. Gross.
I shrugged. "Different strokes for different folks sir."
"Really. You don't like charming men?"
I hesitated. "I tend to value other qualities in my men more."
"For instance."
"Fiscal responsibility." I said promptly, then cringed as he raised his eyebrows.
"So you prefer rich men? Quite a common preference."
"No." I retorted, stung. "I mean, yes, money is nice, but it doesn't mean a damn thing if you don't know how to budget it. I prefer being with someone who knows that bills and food come first. And, I admit, that I have noticed that there seems to be a direct negative correlation between charming men and irresponsible spending."
He tilted his head. "Can't really argue with that - William's always asking me for money."
"Maybe if you stopped lending it to him, he might become more diligent with what he has."
"Nope." Arthur said cheerfully. "Last time I went away for business for a while, I came back to find him in debtors prison. Completely did not learn his lesson at all and ran up a massive bill at the tailors the second I bailed him out. Said that all his previous clothes were now tainted."
I stared at him, aghast. "I pity the woman who marries him." I said, probably very undiplomatically.
He nodded his head. "Perhaps."
Before I insulted any more of his close personal friends, I hastily asked, "So what did you wish to bring me here for Sir?"
"Well," he said hesitantly, "My mansion appears to be haunted - as you may well have heard but ti seems to only affect women. No female has ever managed to spend the night, without being chased out by a vengeful spirit."
I blinked. "I...see. And this is a problem for you?"
"Well, myself not so much. But William, is, ah, popular as you well know and often stays with me. He usually brings several female guests with him and it has upset him greatly that they are now refusing to visit. So he, ah, discovered you." He coughed. "with your illustrious heritage."
"Of witchcraft and sorcery you mean?" I said, interjecting, already amused with how this was going.
"Ah, quite and, he, uh, hoped you might be able to 'cleanse' the place." He said bashfully.
As well he should be.
"And the ghosts don't bother you?" I asked sweetly.
"Oh, oh no. Not at all."
"I see." I said, looking thoughtful. "There is just one problem, Sir Arthur."
"Oh, what would that be?" He said, already looking shifty.
"Your house isn't haunted. In the slightest."
"Ah." Was all he could say.
"What I suspect happens, is that many lovely young ladies are charmed by William - but that's all. Women of quality are trained from birth to be absolutely ruthless when looking for a marriage partner."
"Isn't that the truth." Arthur said glumly.
"William doesn't cut it, not with his debts. A bit of fun but nothing more. However, he does know you - not as charming perhaps, but with a title, land and fortune. He also regularly invites said young ladies to stay with you in your mansion. It's a perfect opportunity for them - all they have to do is engineer a compromising situation with you, and then you'd have no choice but to marry them. All that land and fortune would then be theirs. And," I added thoughtfully, "if they were really shameless, they'd keep William as their own sort of pet on the side."
"Oh, they're that shameless alright." His shoulders slumped. "Do you know one even managed to scale the outside of the building, just so they could break into my bedroom? Thank god I was in the study all night going over the accounts with the butler."
"So," I concluded, looking up at the creepy mansion around me, "an old house like this probably has plenty of tricks up its sleeve - and best of all it even looks the part. You, and probably your staff, came up with the idea to scare the girls off before they even had a chance to try something. It's worked too."
"Like a charm." He agreed, before sighing heavily. "I was so relieved when William said that he couldn't convince any of them to come over anymore. At last I could feel safe in my own home."
"And then he started bringing over exorcists." I guessed.
"Yes." He sighed again and then started snickering. "But you were the only one to realise the whole thing was a sham - instantly even."
"They all said the place was haunted?" I asked in disbelief. "But there's not a single ghost in the house!"
"Oh, according to them it's haunted by all sorts - child ghosts, a headless knight, a countess that died from grief. It was very entertaining, I could barely keep a straight face. " He explained, chuckling from the memory.
"Why didn't you just tell William the truth?" I asked, curious.
"I didn't want his feelings to be hurt," He said plainly. "After all, he is the charming one, he is the one that brought them here."
"And then they all aim for you." I finished. "Hmm, he is very lucky to have a friend who cares so much for him."
A faint blush crossed Arthur's cheeks.
"So what do you want to do?" I asked. "I can't exorcise a house that isn't haunted - and if William is asking me, he must be scraping the bottom of the barrel bu now. Are you just going to let him think the house is haunted forever?"
"That would be lovely." Arthur said wistfully. "But I don't think I could get away with it forever. It's just been so nice having some peace and quiet."
"If the ladies are really causing you grief, why not just get married? They can't touch you once you're legally bound to another."
"But I'm doing all this to avoid getting married." He grumbled.
"This isn't the same, instead of forcibly getting married to someone you know is after your money, why not pick someone sensible and explain the situation to them. Plenty of couples live separately quite amicably - more like friends than lovers."
"Hmmm. I hadn't thought of it that way." He paused, then looked at me. "Fancy getting married?"
"Wait, what?"
"It was your idea."
"But you've only known me five minutes!"
"Oh, at least twenty. And in those twenty minutes you've already proven to me beyond a doubt that you're far more sensible than most ladies I've met."
I glared at him. "You know my house is a fallen one right? People are just going to say I'm after your money."
He shrugged. "If that were the case, I'm sure I would have already been snared by you climbing through my bedroom window or something." He grinned at me. "Or, more likely, you would have already deduced the secret passageways int he house and snagged me that way - I fancy your chances far more than the other guests I've had stay here."
"But still." I struggled to come up with an argument.
"Would the comments of the other ladies bother you that much?" He asked, concern on his face.
I snorted. "The worthless braying of those air headed nincompoops? Ha! Hardly. After all that inbreeding, they can barely string a sentence together coherently, let along come up with anything that could hurt me."
"Then what's the problem?" He beamed at me.
"But, but, but?" I stammered.
He kept smiling. "I'm also extremely fiscally responsible." He said
I thought about it. The man was wealthy. He was also kind to his friends - to the point of creating an elaborate plot to prevent said friend's feelings from being hurt. He was clearly a good enough master that his servants would willingly go along with, and keep secret (a fact even more impressive) such an amusing plot. He wouldn't expect me to perform wifely duties and already knew about my family history. He also didn't like the usual ladies of quality which, admittedly, raised him in my esteem.
Crap.
"Fiiiiiiine." I said ungratefully.
"So you'll marry me then?"
"Yesss." I hissed.
"Excellent. I'm sure you will be a wonderful shield, I mean, wife."
I glared at him. "You owe me for this."
"Yes, yes."
"I don't do tea parties."
"Excellent. I hate them - along with every other social gathering."
"Really," I brightened. "Me too."
"Do you?" He looked surprised. "So if I said that I fully intended to retire from the social scene and basically become a hermit, you would be ok with that?"
"Depends. Do you have a library?"
"Ninety percent of the house is books."
"Then there's no problem at all."
He paused and turned to me, his expression serious. "Are you truly sure that you're ok with this?"
I shrugged. "To be honest, this is a better offer than I ever thought i'd get. Besides," I grinned wickedly, "if it doesn't work out I can always divorce you."
"And take all my money? We're definitely getting a pre-nup." He chuckled.
"So what are you going to tell William about the house?" I asked, curious.
"Hmm, I think... I'll tell him that the house is still haunted, but he ghosts don't seem to bother you and I have taken it as a sign from God that you are destined to be my wife." He nodded.
I stared at him, mouth wide. "And you think he'll believe that?"
"For someone who is so adept at wrapping women round his little finger, it is quite shocking what he will fall for. Endlessly entertaining, but shocking."
"You have to let me watch you tell him."
"t'll be embarrassing!"
"Then do it in a room with a secret hideaway or something and i'll watch from there."
He paused. "Somehow I think that's worse."
"Really?" The flash of light from the lake again caught my eye.
"Why do you keep looking out the window?"
"Do I?"
"Yes. Every window we've walked past, you've stared out of it."
"It's because we're walking through the front of the house and you can see the lake out of all of them.
"So?"
"So, you know how I told you there were no ghosts in the house?"
"Yes?"
"Well, that's still true. But there's loads in the lake, they keep trying to get my attention."
At his frozen expression, I smiled.
"No take backsies, hubby."
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