White Elephant
Definition
1 : a property requiring much care and expense and yielding little profit
2 : an object no longer of value to its owner but of value to others
3 : something of little or no value
The real white elephant (the kind with a trunk) is a pale pachyderm that has long been an object
of veneration in India, Sri Lanka, Thailand, and Myanmar. Too revered to be a beast of burden,
the white elephant earned a reputation as a burdensome beast—one that required constant care and
feeding but never brought a single cent (or paisa or satang or pya) to its owner. One story has it that
the kings of Siam (the old name for Thailand) gave white elephants as gifts to those they wished to
ruin, hoping that the cost of maintaining the voracious but sacred mammal would drive its new owner
to the poorhouse.
of veneration in India, Sri Lanka, Thailand, and Myanmar. Too revered to be a beast of burden,
the white elephant earned a reputation as a burdensome beast—one that required constant care and
feeding but never brought a single cent (or paisa or satang or pya) to its owner. One story has it that
the kings of Siam (the old name for Thailand) gave white elephants as gifts to those they wished to
ruin, hoping that the cost of maintaining the voracious but sacred mammal would drive its new owner
to the poorhouse.
“Hey Chris.”
“Yeah?”
“I’m pretty sure this washing machine you gave me is cursed.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, how can a washing machine be cursed?” I felt her impatience over the phone.
Well, I had called her at 3am after all.
Well, I had called her at 3am after all.
But how can anyone sleep with a cursed white beast in the house?
“I’m serious, it’s freaking me out. Can you come over? You can let yourself in, the key’s under the pot
as usual.”
as usual.”
“If the washing machine is freaking you out, surely it would make sense for you to leave the house
and come here right?” she said, her tone indulgent as if speaking to a small, not particularly bright
child.
and come here right?” she said, her tone indulgent as if speaking to a small, not particularly bright
child.
“I’m too afraid to take my eyes off of it.” I said bluntly.
“Are you being serious right now?” she asked in tones of utter disbelief.
“It moves, Chris.”
Chris and I had been friends for a long time. A long, long time. And when you’ve known someone for
that long, been friends for that long, there are occasions when you know, despite the obvious insanity
of the request, you just gotta show up. That that’s what it means to be friends.
that long, been friends for that long, there are occasions when you know, despite the obvious insanity
of the request, you just gotta show up. That that’s what it means to be friends.
Chris let herself in through my front door about an hour later. She must have hammered it down the
motorway to get her so fast.
motorway to get her so fast.
She stormed up the hallway of my flat and stood over me, hands on her hips in her ‘I’m actually really
worried about you but I don't know how to express this so i’m going to go about it in the most
combative way possible’ pose.
worried about you but I don't know how to express this so i’m going to go about it in the most
combative way possible’ pose.
“What the hell?” Was her opening gambit.
“Ssssh.” I put my finger against my lips. “It watches.”
Chris turned and looked at my second hand (but new looking) top of the line shiny white washing
machine, tucked into the corner of my utility nook. From where I sat on the living room floor, I could
keep watch on it through the gap in the doorway.
machine, tucked into the corner of my utility nook. From where I sat on the living room floor, I could
keep watch on it through the gap in the doorway.
“It can’t be haunted. It’s a washing machine. Why would a washing machine be haunted?”
“It’s not haunted. It’s cursed.” I said stubbornly. “And why can’t a washing machine be cursed? Surely it
makes sense - they swallow all the filth and stench from our laundry after all - who wouldn’t bear a
grudge?” I paused reflectively. “Although if I carry on with that line of thinking I'm not sure I'll ever be
able to use a toilet again.”
makes sense - they swallow all the filth and stench from our laundry after all - who wouldn’t bear a
grudge?” I paused reflectively. “Although if I carry on with that line of thinking I'm not sure I'll ever be
able to use a toilet again.”
Chris knelt down and grabbed me by the shoulders. “Sweetie, is it drugs? Are you high right now?”
She peered into my eyes, checking their dilation. “I know you’re taking your breakup with Chase hard,
but drugs aren’t the answer.” she sniffed me. “And i can tell you haven’t been drinking.”
She peered into my eyes, checking their dilation. “I know you’re taking your breakup with Chase hard,
but drugs aren’t the answer.” she sniffed me. “And i can tell you haven’t been drinking.”
I glared at the washing machine over Chris’s shoulder. I could feel it smugly smirking at me.
I scowled. “I’m pretty sure that piece of shit over there had something to down with Chase dumping
me.”
I scowled. “I’m pretty sure that piece of shit over there had something to down with Chase dumping
me.”
“No, I'm pretty sure it was that fresh faced college student with the great tits that led to that.” Chris
said, rather tactlessly.
said, rather tactlessly.
Not that tact had ever been her strong point.
Despite that I no longer cared a damn about that two timing scumbag, being stabbed in a fresh wound
still hurt and I felt my traitorous eyes fill with tears.
still hurt and I felt my traitorous eyes fill with tears.
Chris's face fell. “Oh sweetie, i’m sorry, i didn't mean to make you cry.”
I rubbed angrily at my face. “It’s fine, better i find out now he’s scum that later. Besides, if you feel that
bad, help me deal with this thing.” I pointed at the washing machine.
bad, help me deal with this thing.” I pointed at the washing machine.
Chris threw up her hands in exasperation. “Fine, why do you think the washing machine is cursed?”
“It ate my clothes.” I explained.
Chris let out a huff. “I hate to break this to you sweetie, but all washing machines will chew up clothes
sometimes. You just need an engineer to come out and have a look at it. It’s broken, not cursed.”
sometimes. You just need an engineer to come out and have a look at it. It’s broken, not cursed.”
“No, i mean, it literally ate my clothes.” I reached up to the sofa beside me and grabbed the evidence
I'd collected earlier.
I'd collected earlier.
I shoved the tattered confetti pieces of fabrics at her.
“What are these?” she asked, bemused.
“I’m telling you Chris, i put a full load of laundry in the machine and this is all that came out - like
scraps of food that get caught in your teeth after a meal. There was nothing else left of the rest of my
clothes.”
scraps of food that get caught in your teeth after a meal. There was nothing else left of the rest of my
clothes.”
She hesitated, looking at the fabric remnants in her hand. “Perhaps it shredded them so bad most of it
went down the drain?” she offered.
went down the drain?” she offered.
“That’s what I thought might have happened, but when I phoned the engineering company they said
that would be impossible. They made it sound like I'd made the whole thing up! But the next time I did
laundry all that came out were odd socks! Normal laundry went in and then only socks came out -
none of them matched any of the others and none of them were mine!”
that would be impossible. They made it sound like I'd made the whole thing up! But the next time I did
laundry all that came out were odd socks! Normal laundry went in and then only socks came out -
none of them matched any of the others and none of them were mine!”
“What the hell?” she hesitated and then plowed on, “are you sure you having been working too hard??
And the breakup - maybe the stress is causing you to misremember things?”
And the breakup - maybe the stress is causing you to misremember things?”
“I’m not crazy.” I said flatly. “I know what I saw.” I shivered. “I called an engineer after that. I was still
trying to convince myself that it was just broken or something - you know? So the engineer, he came
round. He seemed nice enough. I offered him a cup of tea but I'd run out of milk - so I just nipped out
to the corner shop to get some and then came straight back. I must have been gone ten, fifteen
minutes at the most. But he wasn’t here when i got back.”
trying to convince myself that it was just broken or something - you know? So the engineer, he came
round. He seemed nice enough. I offered him a cup of tea but I'd run out of milk - so I just nipped out
to the corner shop to get some and then came straight back. I must have been gone ten, fifteen
minutes at the most. But he wasn’t here when i got back.”
I looked straight at her. “What was weirder was that he’d left all his tools here. I thought that maybe
he’d gone to his van or something to grab a spare part? But he never came back and when I called
the agency, they said they didn’t know where he’d gone. I never heard from him again and they sent
someone different over to collect his stuff. That guy didn’t know what had happened to him either.”
he’d gone to his van or something to grab a spare part? But he never came back and when I called
the agency, they said they didn’t know where he’d gone. I never heard from him again and they sent
someone different over to collect his stuff. That guy didn’t know what had happened to him either.”
“Chris,” I looked at her imploringly. “Chris i think the washing machine ate him.”
“OK, no. we’re going to a hospital right now.” she said firmly. “As your best friend, I'm telling you this
for your own good, you’ve clearly had some sort of breakdown and you need help.” she hauled me to
my feet.
for your own good, you’ve clearly had some sort of breakdown and you need help.” she hauled me to
my feet.
“Come on, we’re going.”
I clung to her. “Sometimes it comes on by itself in the night Chris. Even when it’s unplugged. It wants
to eat me.”
to eat me.”
She started dragging me to the front door. “Ok sweetie. You can tell me all about it when we get you
somewhere nice and sane.”
somewhere nice and sane.”
Behind us, the familiar sound of the washing machine starting its cycle began to fill the apartment.
“As jokes go, this isn’t funny sweetie.” Chris’s voice was tight and hard.
In response, i just bravely whimpered and clung harder to her, my body trembling like a leaf.
We slowly turned. The washing machine had edged it’s cumbersome way to the doorway of the utility
room. Its dials glowing ominously red, the door swinging open to reveal row after row of serrated,
spinning metal teeth, the drum appearing to be an endless, damp red gullet.
room. Its dials glowing ominously red, the door swinging open to reveal row after row of serrated,
spinning metal teeth, the drum appearing to be an endless, damp red gullet.
“Ok. No. You were right.” Chris said in a voice made completely bland by sheer terror. “That’s
definitely cursed.”
definitely cursed.”
I said nothing. My body frozen in its terror.
Chris grabbed my arm, her acrylic nails digging hard into my skin. “Run you idiot!” she shouted as she
dragged me to the door. We lunged through it and slammed it shut behind us. We pelted down the
stairs and didn’t stop running until we were safely in her car.
dragged me to the door. We lunged through it and slammed it shut behind us. We pelted down the
stairs and didn’t stop running until we were safely in her car.
She auto locked all the doors. We just sat there for a minute, panting heavily from our mad dash and
the insanity we had just witnessed.
the insanity we had just witnessed.
Chris pulled out her phone and dialed. “Hey mum, how did Great Aunt Rose die? Yes i know what time
it is, i’m awake myself now aren’t i? Seriously though, how? UH-huh, Uh-huh, they never found a
body? Really? And nobody thought that was odd? Well even if you are old and a bit prone to
wandering, surely someone would put some effort in to find you. That’s just sad really. What? No! Of
course I'd keep looking for you mum. No, I won't just abandon you in an old person’s home. Yes i’ll
visit every week. Ok, ok, yes. Sunday right? Ok, i’ll see you then. Sorry for waking you up.”
She paused. “I love you too mum.”
it is, i’m awake myself now aren’t i? Seriously though, how? UH-huh, Uh-huh, they never found a
body? Really? And nobody thought that was odd? Well even if you are old and a bit prone to
wandering, surely someone would put some effort in to find you. That’s just sad really. What? No! Of
course I'd keep looking for you mum. No, I won't just abandon you in an old person’s home. Yes i’ll
visit every week. Ok, ok, yes. Sunday right? Ok, i’ll see you then. Sorry for waking you up.”
She paused. “I love you too mum.”
She hung up.
“Ok, Great Aunt Rose who used to own the washing machine, kinda died in mysterious circumstances.”
I just looked at her.
“Oh come on, who would have thought her washing machine was a) cursed and b) killed her.
I just thought that, since you had to keep traipsing to and from the laundrette - and shelling out a
fortune in change while doing so - it would be nice if you had your own one. And it was free!”
I just thought that, since you had to keep traipsing to and from the laundrette - and shelling out a
fortune in change while doing so - it would be nice if you had your own one. And it was free!”
“I know. And i do appreciate the thought. Just, you know, not the whole curse and trying to eat me to
death part of it.”
death part of it.”
She started typing on her phone.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Googling exorcists.” she replied absently. “I mean, you’ve got another six months on that lease and
decently priced real estate is hard to come by around her. We’ve got to get rid of it somehow.”
decently priced real estate is hard to come by around her. We’ve got to get rid of it somehow.”
I looked at her, properly. Her normally immaculate hair had been thrown up messily into a scrunchie
that had somehow survived from the eighties. She hadn’t bothered getting properly dressed and
instead had thrown on an old baggy sweatshirt over her i love sushi pajamas.
that had somehow survived from the eighties. She hadn’t bothered getting properly dressed and
instead had thrown on an old baggy sweatshirt over her i love sushi pajamas.
The dashboard clock read 4.15am.
“Thanks,” i said awkwardly. “For coming here. I mean, i must have sounded crazy on the phone.”
“Oh you totally did. Completely off your rocker.” she agreed cheerfully. “Why do you think i came
running so fast? Although now I can now totally see why.”
running so fast? Although now I can now totally see why.”
She sighed. “I’m sorry sweetie. I never would have given you the washing machine if I'd known it was
cursed. I wanted to make your life easier not harder.”
cursed. I wanted to make your life easier not harder.”
“I know.” I reassured her. “And it was an amazing present, you know, in principle.”
She grinned. “Me too. Hey!” she shoved her phone at me, the screen showing a random supernatural
website. “What about this guy as our exorcist? He seems pretty fit!”
website. “What about this guy as our exorcist? He seems pretty fit!”
“I don’t think how handsome you are correlates to how well you deal with cursed objects.”
She shrugged. “You never know. Besides, you need to get back out there, play the field a little. Show
Chase what he’s missing! The little slimeball.”
Chase what he’s missing! The little slimeball.”
She paused and then she looked at me, a wicked gleam in her eye.
“I might have given it to Chase though, if I'd known.”
“Given him what?”
“The washing machine. After all, you said it yourself, it eats dirt!”
I couldn't help it. I started to laugh.
“I’m so glad we’re friends.”
“Me too.”
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