Oxymoron
Definition
: a combination of contradictory or incongruous words (such as cruel kindness); broadly : something (such as a concept) that is made up of contradictory or incongruous elements
The Greeks exhaustively classified the elements of rhetoric, or effective speech and writing,
and gave the name oxymoron—literally "pointed foolishness"—to the deliberate juxtaposing of seemingly contradictory words. The roots of oxymoron, oxys meaning "sharp" or "keen," and mōros meaning "foolish," are nearly antonyms themselves, making oxymoron nicely self-descriptive. Oxymoron originally applied to a meaningful paradox condensed into a couple of words, as in "precious bane," "lonely crowd," or "sweet sorrow." Today, however, what is commonly cited as an oxymoron is often simply a curiosity of language, where one or both elements have multiple meanings (shrimp in "jumbo shrimp" doesn't mean "small"; it refers to a sea creature), or a phrase whose elements seem antithetical in spirit, such as "classic rock."
and gave the name oxymoron—literally "pointed foolishness"—to the deliberate juxtaposing of seemingly contradictory words. The roots of oxymoron, oxys meaning "sharp" or "keen," and mōros meaning "foolish," are nearly antonyms themselves, making oxymoron nicely self-descriptive. Oxymoron originally applied to a meaningful paradox condensed into a couple of words, as in "precious bane," "lonely crowd," or "sweet sorrow." Today, however, what is commonly cited as an oxymoron is often simply a curiosity of language, where one or both elements have multiple meanings (shrimp in "jumbo shrimp" doesn't mean "small"; it refers to a sea creature), or a phrase whose elements seem antithetical in spirit, such as "classic rock."
The little bubble boat bobbed along in the stream. If I unfocused my eyes and shut out all sound, I
could almost imagine I was adrift in a sea of stars, with a multitude of twinkling lights scattered across
the inky blackness.
could almost imagine I was adrift in a sea of stars, with a multitude of twinkling lights scattered across
the inky blackness.
My little bubble bumped a little too hard against one of the occupants of the river and it reared above,
head nearly reaching the ceiling of the cavern. It hissed at me, mouth open wide to reveal its poisoned
fangs (each as long as my arm), the unspoken threat clearly evident, ad then wound its long sinewy
body back into the river, its ink black scales masking it perfectly against the darkness of the water and
cavern. Only its golden eyes, glinting from the light of my little boat, gave it away.
head nearly reaching the ceiling of the cavern. It hissed at me, mouth open wide to reveal its poisoned
fangs (each as long as my arm), the unspoken threat clearly evident, ad then wound its long sinewy
body back into the river, its ink black scales masking it perfectly against the darkness of the water and
cavern. Only its golden eyes, glinting from the light of my little boat, gave it away.
I gulped hard and dropped my gaze downwards, trying to focus only on my fists clenched tight in my
lap, trying not to meet the gaze of the countless other monsters watching me in the dark.
lap, trying not to meet the gaze of the countless other monsters watching me in the dark.
After what seemed an age I finally docked at the small harbour. The worn wooden walkway suspended
above the water that led to the beach was deserted, but the water below churned furiously with
agitated monsters. They did not want me here.
above the water that led to the beach was deserted, but the water below churned furiously with
agitated monsters. They did not want me here.
I did not want to be here.
I carefully walked onto the grey stoned beach. At first glance there appeared to be nothing for miles,
just loose grey shale lit by an unknown pale grey light from far above, the ceiling now so high it might
as well have been sky. The entire place looked pale and washed out, but as I squinted I could just
about make out a small building in the distance. Having no other means of guidance, I walked towards
it.
just loose grey shale lit by an unknown pale grey light from far above, the ceiling now so high it might
as well have been sky. The entire place looked pale and washed out, but as I squinted I could just
about make out a small building in the distance. Having no other means of guidance, I walked towards
it.
Even though I could no longer see them, I still felt the eyes of the monsters upon me.
The building turned out to be a small two story house. It was not particularly noteworthy in any way
except for it being the only building for miles around. I walked up the path that cut through the small
front garden, carefully avoiding the bleached white rose thorns that filled every available space outside
of the path.
except for it being the only building for miles around. I walked up the path that cut through the small
front garden, carefully avoiding the bleached white rose thorns that filled every available space outside
of the path.
I knocked on the front door.
“Enter.” a voice from inside commanded.
Taking a firm grip of my courage, I entered.
The room I walked into was easily three times the size of the entire building from the outside. A young
girl, her hair as long and ink black as the snakes in the river lay sprawled across several giant cushions,
crunching her way through a bowl of crisps as she idly watched something on the screen in front of her.
She glanced up at me, before returning her gaze to the screen and I saw that her eyes were also
golden.
girl, her hair as long and ink black as the snakes in the river lay sprawled across several giant cushions,
crunching her way through a bowl of crisps as she idly watched something on the screen in front of her.
She glanced up at me, before returning her gaze to the screen and I saw that her eyes were also
golden.
She gestured me closer and as she did so, the light from the screen shimmered off her arm. I tried to
unobtrusively peer closer at her skin and I noticed that her arm, and indeed all of her exposed skin,
was covered in thousands upon thousands of the tiniest pearly grey scales that gave her skin an
unworldly lustre.
unobtrusively peer closer at her skin and I noticed that her arm, and indeed all of her exposed skin,
was covered in thousands upon thousands of the tiniest pearly grey scales that gave her skin an
unworldly lustre.
As I reached the bottom of her grey, silver and black cushion mountain, she again glanced at me.
Some of the cushions twitched.
“You know that the only possible outcome of this meeting is your death right?” she said casually.
I swallowed, hard.
“I mean,” she carried on, “your masters are completely stuck for a solution to the current situation and
they know I am a possible solution. However, they also know that I won’t help them (they’re 100%
correct in that) but if they don’t ask me, they won’t have been seen to do everything in their power to
resolve the conflict. So what do they do? Send the most useless of their court, the one who’s loss will
not affect them as a little sacrificial lamb to be slaughtered by moi thus proving that I’m an unreasonable
, unhelpful bitch, as well as the fact that they’ve done everything in their power, all at the low low cost
of a worthless acolyte.” She snorted. “Scumbags.”
they know I am a possible solution. However, they also know that I won’t help them (they’re 100%
correct in that) but if they don’t ask me, they won’t have been seen to do everything in their power to
resolve the conflict. So what do they do? Send the most useless of their court, the one who’s loss will
not affect them as a little sacrificial lamb to be slaughtered by moi thus proving that I’m an unreasonable
, unhelpful bitch, as well as the fact that they’ve done everything in their power, all at the low low cost
of a worthless acolyte.” She snorted. “Scumbags.”
Her eyes darted to me. “But just so we’re clear, this doesn’t mean you’re off the hook. I’m still gonna kill
you on general principle if nothing else. But I’m going to finish watching my shows first so just take a
seat or something and I’ll get to you in a bit.”
you on general principle if nothing else. But I’m going to finish watching my shows first so just take a
seat or something and I’ll get to you in a bit.”
“Because I'm a wizard?” I managed to squeak out.
“Yup.” Her attention already drifting back to the screen.
“But, but I’m not a wizard.”
She hit pause and turned her body to me. My legs were quaking under the weight of her heavy golden
gaze. Her tongue flicked out, tasting the air. The end of it was forked.
gaze. Her tongue flicked out, tasting the air. The end of it was forked.
“Pull the other one.” She said eventually. “I can taste the magic on you from here. You’re not the first to
try and save their neck but you can’t lie to me.” Her eyes narrowed. “And I don't care for those who try.”
try and save their neck but you can’t lie to me.” Her eyes narrowed. “And I don't care for those who try.”
“No, wait, you see.” I fumbled in my pocket, her visible annoyance making what should be a simple task
ten times harder. “I mean, yes i do have magic but it’s for my work, not wizarding work per se but..”
ten times harder. “I mean, yes i do have magic but it’s for my work, not wizarding work per se but..”
“Spit it out.” she commanded.
I finally managed to yank my licence from my pocket and held it up in relief. “I’m a patissier!”
“You what?” She blinked.
“A, a dessert maker, Miss- uh, ma’am? I make sweets and, and things. With sugar and, uh cream? Also
chocolate.” My panic was making me babble incoherently.
chocolate.” My panic was making me babble incoherently.
She leaned over and held out her hand for my licence. I handed it over and she inspected it carefully.
At least in this part I wasn’t worried. I had sweat blood and tears to achieve that licence and I knew it
would hold up under the closest scrutiny on account of it being completely legitimate.
would hold up under the closest scrutiny on account of it being completely legitimate.
She handed it back to me.
“So what on earth is a baker doing in the underworld?” she asked, genuinely baffled.
“Patissier.” I correct automatically then froze in horror.
She raised her eyebrow but merely said, “Patissier then. What are you doing here?”
“Well, you see.” I hedged. “You weren’t wrong about the wizards. At all really. They were going to send
someone and anyone who wasn’t a complete moron knew that it was a death sentence basically.”
someone and anyone who wasn’t a complete moron knew that it was a death sentence basically.”
“You don’t seem like a complete moron to me.”
“No.” I said glumly. “Not a complete one. But it wasn’t me who was tasked with this mission. Like I said,
I’m a patissier not a wizard. However, my brother is. Sort of. I mean, he’s always wanted to be one and
he studies very hard but he’s not really what you would call naturally gifted.” I paused. “His
perseverance is quite something. Many would have given up years ago. But that means he’s a bit
more… blinkered in certain areas.”
I’m a patissier not a wizard. However, my brother is. Sort of. I mean, he’s always wanted to be one and
he studies very hard but he’s not really what you would call naturally gifted.” I paused. “His
perseverance is quite something. Many would have given up years ago. But that means he’s a bit
more… blinkered in certain areas.”
“So he is a complete moron then?” She said dryly
“No!” I said sharply, then more softly, “Just very…naive.”
“So why are you here then and not your brother?”
“Because my brother thinks the league of wizards shits rainbows and volunteered for this mission.” I
spat out. “And because he’s not as gifted as the others, they didn’t even try to stop him. They were
happy to send him to his death.” I hunched my shoulders. “My baby brother may be an idiot but he’s
my idiot. So I snuck him a sleeping pill last night and took his place this morning.” I snorted. “Stupid
wizards couldn’t even be bothered to check the right person got in the boat.”
spat out. “And because he’s not as gifted as the others, they didn’t even try to stop him. They were
happy to send him to his death.” I hunched my shoulders. “My baby brother may be an idiot but he’s
my idiot. So I snuck him a sleeping pill last night and took his place this morning.” I snorted. “Stupid
wizards couldn’t even be bothered to check the right person got in the boat.”
“And what makes you think I won't kill you, just because you came in another’s place?” She asked,
feigning disinterest.
feigning disinterest.
Ha! Feign all you like. I saw her face when I'd mentioned chocolate.
“Because I’m one of the best patissiers out there.” I said bluntly. “My lemon meringues are beautiful
enough to make you weep and my chocolate espresso cake is to die for. I’m willing to work as your
personal patissier for a five year contract. I also despise the wizards as much as you do. Lastly,
what kind of expression do you think the wizards will have when you fix the problem and everyone
finds out it’s not because you asked them to do it. Surely, that would be worth a heck of a lot.”
enough to make you weep and my chocolate espresso cake is to die for. I’m willing to work as your
personal patissier for a five year contract. I also despise the wizards as much as you do. Lastly,
what kind of expression do you think the wizards will have when you fix the problem and everyone
finds out it’s not because you asked them to do it. Surely, that would be worth a heck of a lot.”
Just thinking about their sour faces frozen in horror was enough to make me smile.
She started to grin.
“Ten years.” She said
“Six.” I countered.
“Nine.”
“Seven”
“Eight”
“Seven & a half.”
“Deal!” She crowed.
I let out a sigh of relief. “So you’ll do it?” I asked.
She leant back. “Do you really think it’ll piss them off?”
“Oh absolutely.” I reassured her. “Knowing them, I’m sure they actually have some sort of solution
somewhere that they’re going to reveal right at the last minute, so it looks like all hope is lost and then
they miraculously save everyone, just to claim all the glory for themselves. If you sweep in and save
everyone before they even have a chance to, they’ll be so pissed they’ll grind their teeth to dust.”
somewhere that they’re going to reveal right at the last minute, so it looks like all hope is lost and then
they miraculously save everyone, just to claim all the glory for themselves. If you sweep in and save
everyone before they even have a chance to, they’ll be so pissed they’ll grind their teeth to dust.”
“Well then, my new patissier.” She purred, her eyes now glowing gold with vicious glee, “bake me
some cookies for the road and we’ll be off.”
some cookies for the road and we’ll be off.”
My darn baby brother better appreciate this, I thought to myself as I went to find the kitchen. Some of
the ‘cushions’ had now unspooled themselves and were quietly flowing alongside me, flicking out their
long forked tongues as they ‘tasted’ me. More hung from long hooks in the ceiling, peering at me
curiously as I walked beneath them.
the ‘cushions’ had now unspooled themselves and were quietly flowing alongside me, flicking out their
long forked tongues as they ‘tasted’ me. More hung from long hooks in the ceiling, peering at me
curiously as I walked beneath them.
“And no stupid raisins!” The snake queen called out from behind me. “Chocolate only!”
Oh yeah. If that baby brother of mine didn’t worship the ground I walked upon after this, I’d feed him to
the damn snakes myself!
the damn snakes myself!
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